remembering

its been a longer time inbetween these posts. Maybe I am getting over the devastation.
this morning, just before the holidays, I am transfixed on a memory I can not seem to get past.
i picture her the first time she was here, walking into the airport to leave for her home, bag slung over her shoulder, tears matching mine.

that and the christmas she was here...so much snow. so many memories. so many regrets.

she is getting ready to go on a christmas trip, short family trek to an island that we had always hoped to spend time on...together.

the loss is still so present when I feel it...there may be longer breaks but its still so.....intense, when its here.

damnit, i miss you sweet one....

one step forward, two steps back

i was laying in bed, sick and miserable. finally having the conversation with myself that it was pretty much a done deal, there was nothing more, other than casual email contact...no real feeling there (except in my heart) and what was in me needed to end.

wouldn't you know, my cell phone rang at that moment...twas a strange ring tone...one I did not recognize right off. As i picked it up, i am sure the shock registered across my face, reading the caller ID."is everything ok" were almost the first words out of my mouth, and her reply was "im fine, i just can't sleep"

We talked for about an hour, all of the surface things, until she felt close to sleep.

She has always fought with insomnia, and I have always been there to talk her through the worst bouts. Its been almost a year since one of these calls.

No, I dont put any special significance into it. That special spark is lost...buried in too much history.

Dear DF & Sapphire

My heart goes out to you both. I hear the anguish as you are now distant in the physical realm. Remember that you added another dimension to your relationship these last weeks, and although you are now not in the same space, all of the feelings and rememberances are still there and present with you. Are they a bit more poignant...of course. But they are still there, in your mind, in your heart.....close your eyes and think of a conversation.....see her nuances, expressions, motions. Smell the shampoo...and remember how it smelled with her own scent mixed in.

I remember the long flights that separated and the agony of going back to the old way of communicating...of being together. But too I remember the added dimensions...

as for the immigration thing....its tough, and even tougher for our community. Share for us some of the parameters and some of the things you have already done, what the roadblocks you have run into. My suggestion is to find an attorney, preferablly in England....the cost of this is well worth it.

trust

i was thinking about this recently.

I think I am finally letting go of any hope for a future. I used to be able to hear your voice in my head, but I can not any longer.

I used to be able to remember your touch, but I don't anymore.

What we had was beautiful, and precious, but its gone.

Two people who learned bit by agonizing bit, to trust. One step at a time, tentatively, breaking down barriers, building a trust that spanned the globe, opening hearts, minds, souls, across the internet, across phone lines, across the front seat of a car, across the sheets.....it was all about trust.

and the trust is gone.

as much as my fantasies would have me believe, it won't just "happen" someday.

's been a long time

life had other plans for me than blogging of late.

the sadness of the loss, the demands of the moment, the depression of things just not happening the way I had hoped in my life, leave me tonguetied.

i think its time for me to go, to let go, to be done with this and move on in my life.

its been a mixed blessing having the opportunitiy to share with you this last little bit, but the reality is that its just not the same. I know that although you are able to be compassionate, my ups and downs, ins and outs matter little. as it should be. you have moved on.

It is time for me to do so as well.

you do not need me anymore. you have your life well in hand. I am glad for you, sad only not to be a part of it.

so many places, things, sounds, smells, memories will always belong to you, but now i need to stop looking, listening, thinking, remembering.

maybe some day we can reconnect and truly celebrate where each other is, without jealousy, or hurt, without anguish.

always and forever a part of my soul, but day to day we are not to be.

words

i just came across an old email or 3, from my ex. very near to the time when she ended it, she still wrote like a womon in love. angel, hon, sweetie, sweet pea.  she never understood why i was so shocked when in the turn of a day she went from loving 100% to ending it.

will i ever get beyond the hurt?
will i ever be able to just let go?

mixed feeings

im not sure what to feel these days, i know we do not have a lot of chance for a real friendship, and the love seems to be gone from her. but still i seem to need to connect. im not sure why.

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